Long motorcycle trips are great times in life for deep thinking. I have been focused on the operations of my phone and how I keep asking it to do more and more things, and I had been thinking about the conjunction ‘and’ for an upcoming blog post.

As time, turns, and miles kilometers passed, my mind drifted back to diabetes camp. I spent about 15 years as a camp counselor, working up in the Sierra Nevada mountains and deep in Redwood country in the Santa Cruz mountains. What started as a way to get time off from work using my company’s policy for philanthropic service turned into a really great way to learn about myself, my type one diabetes, and to give back.

About 10 years in, I met a new camp director who had a passion for running camp well. She came with years of diabetes camp experience, and I came to know her as one of those fantastic, salt-of-the-earth humans.

In that first orientation, we moved from module to module. The one thing that really stood out years later was her focus on working with kids when things didn’t go to plan and you had to step in as a counselor with corrective action.

She directly warned us: never use the word ‘but.’ Always use the word ‘and.’ At first, I didn’t understand the nuances, but as she went on to explain, the word ‘but’ communicates a direct, unintentional power dynamic between the counselor and the camper. Let me explain.

A kid shows up late to an activity, which is against camp policy. If the camper gives a reason for being late and the counselor interjects, “but the camp policy is to be on time for activities,” he devalues what the camper said and creates a power dynamic of “I’m right; you’re wrong.” If the counselor had instead said, “and the camp policy is to be on time for activities,” he acknowledges that both statements can be true. The camper had a reasonable (or maybe unreasonable) reason to be late, and the camp policy still exists. Both the camper and the counselor remain on the same plane of conversation. Unintentional, more complicated power dynamic potentially shutting the camper down crisis avoided.

That small piece of advice has stayed with me over many years across many contexts—especially in my writing. Whether it’s here on the blog, writing responses at work, or casual conversation among friends, I try to be very intentional about how and when I use the conjunction ‘but,’ and I try to more deliberately replace it with the conjunction ‘and.’ Google AI does a reasonable job calling out the difference:

“But” and “and” are coordinating conjunctions, however they serve different purposes. “And” is used to join elements that are similar or add to each other, while “but” is used to introduce a contrasting or opposing idea.

Conversation is about the art of joining people and ideas together for shared outcomes. Don’t get me wrong, there are specific uses for the word ‘but’; however, I’m thoughtful to not to use the conjunction ‘but’ to invalidate somebody else’s premise or idea.

For example: I would like to ride my motorcycle, but since it’s raining, I will go another day. There’s no real antecedent here and the rain clearly and validate any premise of riding my motorcycle. (although I’m riding in the rain more than these days.)

As the leader of a group ride, I wouldn’t say, “He is a good rider, but he doesn’t take corners at excessive speed.” I’d rather say, “He is a good rider, and he doesn’t take corners at excessive speed.” Both statements are true: he’s a good rider and he doesn’t take corners of excessive speed.

This small but important piece of grammatical advice has definitely influenced how I think about writing, communication, and power dynamics. Hopefully, it’s as helpful to you as it is to me. To keep it short—when you use the word ‘but,’ try replacing it with ‘and’ to see if your statement sounds stronger from all perspectives.